Changes
by comaXwhite
Summary: After a night with a football player, Jackie's life chages forever, and her friends start to notice some dramatic changes in her appearance, people she starts hanging out with and ideas.
1. Default Chapter

Set in season 3, Donna/Eric, Jackie/Kelso, later Jackie/Hyde

First Chapter is both Jackie's POV and regular

First chapter discribes Jackie's feelings on the group, next is the actual story.

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue

Jackie Burkhart was considered the Princess of the school, popular, pretty and rich. One thing that she lacked, though, was true friends. Sure, she had a few close friends, but most people that she talked to either didn't like her or she didn't like them. When she dated Michael Kelso, he introduced her to new people. Donna Pincotti was one. Donna was nice, but Jackie didn't really like her all that much. Jackie's style is preppy, listening to Donny Osmond and other disco music, while Donna listened to Led Zeppelin, Janis Joplin and other rock bands.

Another person was Fez. Fez really liked Jackie, however she disliked him because, basically, he's forgein. She also didn't like Eric, she considers him to be whiny and annoying, not much different from his idea of her.

The last person was Steven Hyde. Jackie hated him, or at least she wanted to. For some reason, as different as the two are, she liked him. She would, however, never admit.


	2. The Date

"I should probably leave now", Jackie said.

"You sure you don't want a ride? It's 9:30, you probably shouldn't be walking to your house", Jackie's friend Hannah said.

"It's two blocks, what could happen? I'll see you tomorrow."

"Call me later."

"K"

It was pretty dark outside, and Jackie could hear someone walking behind her. She started to walk quicker until the person yelled out her name. She thought it was ok since the person had to have known her, and she was right.

It was Matt Helton, he was on the football team. Jackie stopped to wait for him to catch up to her.

"You shouldn't be walking by yourself this late at night. Could be dangerous for a hot girl like you.", Matt said.

"I'll be fine.", Jackie told him.

"So, you doing anything tomorrow night?"

Jackie wasn't sure what to tell him, he was cute and nice and tall, but she had broken up with Kelso only a week ago, so she wasn't sure she was ready for another relationship.

"Um, I don't know."

"So go to the movies with me. It'll be fun. Look, I know that you and Kelso just broke up, so I thought we could go as friends."

"What are we gonna see?"

Jackie got home around 9:45 and called Hannah, explaining what had happened on the walk home, saying that it was a good thing that she had walked. Only she didn't know that it was the worst thing she had done in a while.

Friday night Matt picked Jackie up around 7:30 and they went to the Hub for dinner and saw "Fantasy Island".

After the movie, Matt asked Jackie if she wanted to go back to his house. Jackie was silent for a moment, then reluctantly said yes. "This will help me get over Michael", Jackie thought.

When they got there, Matt got Jackie and him a drink. After a while, Jackie started to feel a little sick. Matt told her to lay down for a while and see if she felt better.

After a an hour she felt better, and she started fooling around with Matt. When he decided that he wanted to "go all the way", Jackie told him to stop, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.


	3. Old or New?

Don't own, Don't sue.

"Jackie, pick up the phone. I know you're there. Come on, I know you're still mad about Laurie, but we should talk. Jackie, I still love you. Call me back."

Jackie listened to the message over and over, wishing that he had called four days ago, then she would have never gone out with Matt. Jackie decided that she would do better that call Kelso back, she would go to the basement.

She took a shower, and after she finally got the courage to get out, she looked in her closet for something to wear. It was amazing to her, she was rich, but she had nothing to wear. All of her clothes were pink and preppy, but after her night with Matt, she couldn't bring herself to wear them. She wasn't that person anymore, that was the old Jackie, and she was going to become the new one.

She put on a blue sweatshirt and jeans and went to the store that she knew would have some clothes she would wear: Hot Rags. Jackie found tons of clothes, mostly black. She spent over $300 dollars, not even with band shirts. She went home and got changed into her new clothes and looked at herself in the mirror. She wasn't ready for this big of a change. She started to cry. She wasn't her old self, but she couldn't imagine herself as this "goth girl" she saw in the mirror. "I hate my life, it was so perfect before, everyone loved me. I hate Matt. I wish he would die.", she thought.

She finally put on a pair of jeans and a pink sweater, and she felt so out of place in it, like she was pretending to be someone else.

Now she had her next battle: going to the basement and facing Michael and everyone else.


	4. What should I do?

Don't own, don't sue. Disclaimer goes for every new ch. cause I'm sick of typing it.

A/N: The music stuff, (you'll see later in the chapter) I love Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, AC/DC and The Who. No real significance, but I don't want you people to think that I listen to disco and ABBA. Danhyde girl, it starts out J/K but it will end up J/H. I like J/H better.

"Ok, one more time and that is it.", Jackie told herself as she went around the Forman's block once again. Saying that she would go to the basement and talk to Michael was much easier than actually doing it. She felt like anyone who saw her could tell that she was raped, that she had lead Matt on and was a slut. She trued to push all of her negative thoughts out of her head as she saw the Forman's house come into view. "This is it, I'm going into the basement. I just have to ask for Michael. Everything will be fine."

"Hi.", Jackie said as she walked into the basement.

"Jackie.", Kelso said.

"What are you doing here? Didn't you dump Kelso's sorry ass?", Hyde asked.

"Um, yea but-"

"Then why are you here?"

"Michael called me and I wanted to talk to him. In person."

"You want to talk to me? Um, we could go into my van.", Kelso said as he put his arm around her. Jackie jumped.

"Um, no Michael that's ok. I think maybe outside is better. But not in the van."

"I guess Laurie's leftovers aren't that appealing anymore.", Hyde said.

"Come Michael, we should talk."

"So, what did you want to talk about?", Kelso asked. They were sitting on the stoop that Donna and Jackie had had many "girl talks" on.

"The message that you left me today. Did you mean what you said? About still loving me?"

"Yea, what I did was stupid, but I do still love you. I'm sorry Jackie."

All Jackie heard were the last three words, and they kept going over in her head. Jackie wanted to be with someone, and she knew that Michael would be there.

"Jackie, did you hear me? I said I'm sorry."

"Yea, yea Michael I heard you."

"So, are we back together now?"

"Um, I don't know. I need to think some things through. It's not no, but it's not really yes either. I'll think about it, and I'll meet you here at 1 tomorrow and tell you. I'll see you later Michael."

"Bye Jackie. I love you."

Jackie turned around and smiled, if only this had happened a few days ago,

Jackie didn't know what to do. She didn't really love Michael, but she was over him cheating on her, now she was dealing with rape. She wanted to be with someone, so that way if Matt ever came back she would be with someone who would protect her.

Jackie thought about this for two hours, and decided that it was taking much too long to decide, so she made a list. Donna had told her about this when she was deciding if she should risk her friendship with Eric and date him, and at the time Jackie had laughed at her. Now, things were different.

YesNo 

I loved himHe cheated, twice

First everythingI won't be able to sleep with him

Can protect meI'll have to tell him about Matt, and he won't understand

Will do anything I sayNot very smart

He's prettyThat stupid van

Laurie

Sit in that smelly old basement

Sit with Hyde

Doesn't listen to ABBA or disco, just Led Zeppelin and that

music

Jackie sat and looked at the list she had just made. Everything was telling her to leave Michael, to move on and go to someone else, that they weren't destined to be together. That she deserved a real man, a better man. But, she looked at the yes list. First everything, I loved him, controllable, pretty. Then she looked at the no list. "He cheated twice, yes, but if I'm not really in love, it won't hurt as much. And I can say that I need to be sure that he won't cheat before I sleep with him. And, I kicked Laurie's fat ass before, I could totally do it again. And I can change that music thing, I mean Robert Plant and Jimmy Page aren't great musicians, The Carpteners and Donny Osmond are. And, I would never admit it, but Hyde isn't that bad. He's a dirty orphan, but that's kind of appealing.", Jackie said to herself.

"Oh my God! What did just say? What did that guy do to me?"

After a while, Jackie made her decision: She would get back together with Kelso.


	5. Cheerleading Issues

It was a month later, and Jackie and Kelso were still a couple. It was lunch, and Jackie was sitting with the gang, when Katie, a cheerleader, came up to her. "Jackie, I hate to pull you away from what seems like such an… interesting conversation, but I need to talk to you about next weeks game."

"Yea, ok. Michael, I'll be right back."

"So, Jessika and I were thinking that since you're the smallest cheerleader, you could-"

"Katie, stop. I'm quitting the squad. I can't cheer anymore."

"What? How are we supposed to cheer on Friday? Jackie, this isn't some stupid after school event like, math team or a job. This is cheerleading. We keep this school how it is. We control it, we get everything. Are you really going to let down every person on the squad, and the school, just because you're afraid of a little work?"

"Katie, that's not why I'm quitting and-"

"Then why are you?"

"It's personal, private. And I'm not letting down the whole school. Some people don't care about sports and cheerleading and school spirit."

"You know what, you're right. You're only letting down the people that matter.", Katie said as she walked off.

Jackie walked back to her seat next to Michael. "So, what did she want?" Kelso asked.

"I don't know, I quit before she told me."

"Jackie, you quit cheerleading? I thought you wanted to be a professional cheerleader." Donna asked.

"I did, but it's so superficial and unnecessary. I couldn't do it anymore."

"Is this really Jackie? Miss-Bitch Jackie Burkhart?" Hyde said.

"Haha, very funny. I'm not hungry, I'm gonna go. I'll see you later."

LATER

Jackie was asked many times why she quit. Mostly she gave everyone the same answer, that it was superficial and unnecessary, which was true, but also because she couldn't imagine going out there, in front of everyone wearing a skirt that short. The idea terrified her. To get her mind off of her current life, she decided to read her diary. It was from when she first started dating Michael.

Dear Diary,

Today, Michael asked me to the movies. I think we're going to get married. It'll be so perfect, since we're both so good looking. Oh my god, I'll have the perfect life then. I'll have a beautiful family, be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, be idolized for my good looks, and be rich. Money is amazing.

The entry continued, but Jackie stopped there. She couldn't believe that was her writing, her feelings. Money didn't help at all. Sure, you had food and water and a house and other necessary things, but it didn't bring happiness. At least, not anymore. Jackie was learning that now. She threw the book into the wall, hoping it would bring her some comfort. It didn't.

Then the doorbell rang. A pang of fear came to Jackie's stomach. She went down the stairs to answer it, and Michael stood there. "Oh, hi Michael. I'm so glad you're here-"

"Jackie, how could you quit cheerleading without telling me first?"

"I didn't know it was that big of a deal."

"I wanted to date the hottest, most popular cheerleader in school. Now I can't do that if I'm with you. You kept secrets from me."

"Oh please, Michael, like you've never kept any secrets from me. Laurie? Pam Macy?"

"Look, that was different ok?"

"Michael, if you're this upset about my new feelings, maybe we shouldn't be together, because they aren't going anywhere, they're permanent."

"Fine, maybe we shouldn't be together."

"Fine, get outta my house! Now!"

"Fine" Kelso yelled as he walked for the door.


	6. Lyrics

A/N: Celebration Day belongs to the members of Led Zeppelin

Jackie sat on her bed and cried. Her life seemed like it was falling apart, the guy she went to for a fake relationship, who she had completely whipped, had broken up with her, in a way. She was confused over how the relationship ended, they both were just yelling at each other, and all of the sudden someone yelled "we shouldn't be together" and he left.

Jackie turned on her radio, and put to a random station. One song ended, and as she started to listen to the new song, she realized it was just like her life. It didn't even need to listen to the whole song, the first few lines proved it.

"Her face is cracked from smiling, all the fears that she's been hiding,  
And it seems pretty soon everybody's gonna know.  
And her voice is sore from shouting, cheering winners who are losing,  
And she worries if their days are few and soon they'll have to go. "

After hearing that, the song got her undivided attention. When it was over, Jackie wanted to find out what band it was, the song name, anything. "And that was Celebration Day by Led Zeppelin off their album, Led Zeppelin III" Jackie's eyes got wide, she had just listened to and enjoyed Led Zeppelin? She had to admit, they were good. She decided to do something that she never would have imagined she would do. She got off the bed and grabbed her coat, and walked out of the house.

She knew that she would have to explain herself, but she had to be careful about what she would say. She wasn't going to tell him that she had been raped and the lyrics to Celebration Day spoke to her, had meaning, but she needed to say something. She would have top think of it later, because she was at her destination.


	7. Parties

Jackie made her way to the house that she had gone to countless times. She walked down the stairs, hoping that he would be there. And he was.

"Hyde, hey. Um, I have a question. Do you have any Zeppelin albums that I can listen to?"

"Jackie, why would you want to listen to my albums?"

"Well, see, I was listening to the radio, and their song, Celebration Day, it was on, and it was so true, like, it was about real emotions, not like ABBA or disco, or anything like that. I can relate to it."

"And how would you, the richest girl in Point Place who the worst that ever happened to her was dating Kelso, relate to a song like that?"

"Fine, you know what? Forget it. I don't care anyway." Jackie said as she sat down. "What's on?"

"Charlie's Angels."

"Great."

They sat in silence while watching the show, then Jackie got to thinking. The Angels had the perfect life: they had perfect hair, perfect skin, they were thin, had money, and everyone loved them. Tears started falling down Jackie's face. "Jackie, Jackie what's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just, no one really knows me."

"What the hell are you talking about? Jackie, everyone knows you, and if they don't they've probably heard you."

"No, I mean, yea, they know me, but they don't know anything about me, who I really am."

"I've seen you at parties, you walk up to people and just start talking."

"Yea, but that's at a party. I mean, you introduce yourself to a person, they say hi, how's it going, and everyone always says 'good' or 'fine', no one ever says 'my husband's an alcoholic, my daughters a cutter, and my sons a clepto.' Everyone always only knows the good, and no one ever says anything about the bad, cause, you're not gonna walk up to a stranger and open up like that, and maybe you won't even open up at all, and then no one will ever know that you were-"

"No one will ever know that you were what?"

"Nothing, I was just rambling, no big deal. I should probably go, I don't really wanna see Michael right now."

"Look, Jackie, I know we haven't be friends these past, whatever years, but, if you wanna talk, you can come to me, or to Donna, or even Forman. We're here for you. And if you ever tell anyone I just said that I'll put bleach in your shampoo."

Jackie laughed a little. "Yea, but there's nothing to talk about, besides, how do you know you'll even understand?" Jackie said as she walked out the door.

After that, Hyde decided that he needed to tell Donna about Jackie. He knew the "you were" was really meant to be an "I was" and something was really wrong with Jackie.


	8. The Talk

Sorry I havent updated in a while, I was with my boyfriend a lot, so I didn't have time to.

"Hey, Donna" Hyde said as he walked into her room, "have you noticed anything odd about Jackie lately?"

"Yea, I mean, she quit the cheerleading squad, something's wrong there, and she broke up with Kelso."

"And she's now listening to Zeppelin."

"Jackie? Jackie Burkhart listening to Led Zeppelin? The girl who though Led was 'hot'?"

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who's freaked out about it."

"I think I'm gonna talk to her, she seems totally out of it, like, she's there, but she's not paying attention. And she's talking about herself less."

"She's not acting like her annoying self."

"O my God, Hyde, are you, worried about her?"

"What? No, it's just, before it was easy to burn her, now she's just sitting there, doing nothing. Plus, I don't want her borrowing my albums, especially the Zeppelin ones."

"Whatever."

A few hours later

"Hey Donna, you said you wanted to go to the Hub, so let's go."

"Jackie, hold on a second. Sit down." Jackie sat down on Donna's bed. "Are you ok? You're not acting like yourself."

"Donna, I'm fine, why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"Jackie, you're not being yourself, you haven't been yourself for a while. What's going on?"

"Nothing! God, just because someone matures doesn't mean there's something wrong." Jackie said as she started pacing the room.

"Why did you dump Kelso?"

"Donna, I've dumped him before, you never made a big deal out of it then."

"Fine. Why did you quit the squad?"

"Because they're all superficial whores. I didn't want to be thought of that way, ok?"

"That's not true. You never cared before, you wanted that to be your life, a cheerleader, you wanted to be a Texas Cowboy Cheerleader Jackie, that doesn't change in one day."

"Maybe it wasn't one day! Maybe I felt like that for a long time."

"How long then? Why?"

"Because of—something that happened ok?"

"What? What happened Jackie?"

"That's none of your business."

"Jackie, we're worried about you, we care about you, we want to help, but you won't let us."

"I don't need your help, I'm fine, I've been fine. Why can't you just accept that?"

"Look at you! You're an ex-cheerleader, wearing black, listening to Led Zeppelin, dumping Kelso for no reason, you're not fine! Just talk to me, let me help you, you're my best friend and I'm worried about you."

"I really don't want to hear this, and I'm not going to."

Jackie slammed the door and went home, crying while she was walking.

The next day

"Eric, I'm really worried about her, she's not herself."

"Yea, she's been quieter, eating less, she looks tired."

"I don't know what to do."

"Have you tried talking to her since the argument?"

"No, she was really mad. She was so defense, like, she was afraid of something. I'm really scared that something's really wrong with her, she just won't talk to anyone."

"Maybe someone else should try to talk to her."

"Who? It can't be you, she'll know I sent you. Kelso's out, Fez is too horny all the time, that leaves Hyde."

"Hyde won't do it, he's with me on the whole 'Jackie's the she-devil' theory."

"Actually, Hyde came to me and said he was worried about her, I don't think he hates her all that much."

"Hyde? Not hating Jackie? O my God, we're all gonna die, it's the apocalypse."

"Haha, very funny. So what if Hyde's starting to like Jackie, he's known her for a while, they were gonna become friends eventually."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, but it'll be weird, no more Jackie-Hyde burns."

"There still might be some, it's not like they're dating."

Eric started laughing. "Jackie? And Hyde? Dating each other?"

"So, we should try to get Hyde to talk to her. He'll do it, I hope."

A few hours later

Hyde was nervous about talking to Jackie, he actually felt sorry for her, and was worried, which was very un-Hyde like. When he got to her house, he pulled up to the driveway and put on his glasses, he knew he would need them for this talk.


	9. Numb

Jackie couldn't hear anything, she was too concentrated on what she was doing. It had to be perfect, if it wasn't there wouldn't be any point. She kept doing it over and over, there wasn't enough blood. There would never be enough blood, she knew that, but what else could she do to feel anything? Jackie had first heard of cutting when she was changing for PE, and these girls Shannon and Cara were talking about how one girl was a cutter. Jackie asked what that meant, and then it hit her: cutting brings emotions, something that Jackie hadn't felt in a long time, since she broke up with Kelso. None of her friends had noticed the changes in her. They didn't notice that she stopped wearing short sleeves, that in PE she always had a jacket on, that she would give a painful face whenever someone hit her arms. It was obvious that no one cared about her, that they only saw the outside, what she wanted them to see, that none of them cared about her pain, which to her was obvious.

It became a ritual for her, she cut every night. But today she really needed it, all of Donna's questions from earlier were still going through her head. She had noticed something, and Jackie had to fight back the urge to tell her that she was raped, that she was dead inside. But she couldn't, Jackie knew that Donna could never understand, and she envied that about her.

When Jackie was finished, she heard the door bell ringing. She cleaned up the fresh cuts and went downstairs, to see Hyde at her door.

"What the hell were you doing? I've been ringing your doorbell for like, 10 minutes," Hyde said. He was glad that he had worn his glasses, because the sight in front of him was unnerving. Jackie had her hair back in a messy-ish ponytail, and she looked so pale. She looked thinner too, and there was dark circles under her eyes, which Hyde could tell she tried to cover up.

"Sorry. I was listening to music," Jackie said. It wasn't a lie, she really was. She just left out the part about cutting. "So, what do you want?"

"Well, no one was in the basement, and I was bored, so I thought I would see if you were home." Hyde knew it was a horrible lie. She wouldn't fall for it in a million years, but that was all he could think of.

"Oh, ok. Did you want to come in?"

"Yea."

Jackie led him into the living room and sat on the couch, while Hyde chose the chair.

"So," Jackie said.

"What's new?"

"Nothing much. You?"

"Same."

"So did Donna send you or what?"

"No, why?"

"Your excuse was lame. Plus we just had a monster blow out. So what does she want you to ask me?"

"Ok, she did send me. But I wanted to come. Sort of. I'm worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry about."

"Jackie, I've had my fair share of shit happen to me, but you don't have to go through it alone."

"Maybe it's different. Maybe you wouldn't be able to understand. What if it's about Michael?"

"Kelso's never had this big of an affect on you. Try again."

"Hyde, I'm fine, really."

He knew something was wrong now, ever since she tried to date him, she had called him Steven.

"You called me Hyde. Why?"

"Cause I'm not that naïve girl anymore, I know that you don't love me, and I don't love you."

"Oh." Hyde looked her over again. This time he noticed something that scared him. He took his glasses off and grabbed her arm.

"Oh my God, Jackie what happened?"

She looked down and closed her eyes. She was wearing a light blue shirt, the blood had soaked through. "Nothing. I hit my arm."

"Bull shit." He pulled up her sleeve, and Jackie automatically pulled her arm away.

"Stop it."

"You're scaring me. What did you do?"

"I'm not insane."

"I know. Jacks, please, just tell me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know how to."

"Please, Jackie, I just want to know."

Jackie took a deep breath, and started to tell him.

"What? That I was raped by some football player? Or that I can't feel anything anymore? That I-I took a knife to by arm and I didn't feel anything? Is that what you want?"

Hyde didn't know what to do, what to say. She was right, he couldn't understand. But he wouldn't let her go through this alone. He did the only thing he could, he just held her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know, it doesn't do anything, but I am."


	10. Trust

Hyde knew Jackie was right. There was no way he could understand, something like that couldn't happen to him. He didn't understand why it had to happen, Point Place just got it's first McDonalds last month, the town was in the middle of no where. How could there be a rapist?

"Did you report it?" Hyde asked her.

She looked up at him, and he knew that she was afraid. "Why would I do that? He's not coming back, I don't see him in the halls. I don't want anyone to know."

"It might help, you know, like, revenge? No, that's not the right word. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yea, I know. But I'm not gonna do it. I mean, this is a small town, even just by telling you people will find out."

"Jackie, we're the only people here. How would anyone find out?"

"You're gonna tell Donna and Eric, and maybe Michael and Fez. And Fez is gonna tell someone, I know that. And Donna will probably tell Mrs. Forman, and then Red will find out, and they'll probably call my parents, and then everyone will know."

"What if I didn't tell anyone."

"Really? You would do that? You hate me, why would you help me like that?"

"I don't hate you. Sure you annoy me whenever you talk, well mostly whenever you talk, but that doesn't mean I hate you. I kinda wanna help you, just with no one knowing."

"I don't want anyone to know anything."

"Why don't you go to therapy, I hear that helps with issues. And you've got the money."

"Because I don't want someone I don't know and don't trust to find out. I like only you knowing."

"So are you sure you're not... you know... pregnant?"

"Matt used a condom, isn't that sweet?"

"Matt who?"

Jackie could tell in his voice that he was going to do something, Hyde sounded protective of her. She was almost hesitant to say his last name, but she knew it wouldn't seem weird if Hyde kicked his ass, Hyde hated jocks and cheerleaders. "Matt Helton."

"That tool on the football team?" Jackie nodded her head. "What, he can't get a girl to sleep with him on his own, he has to force them?"

"It's kinda my fault, I mean I drank, I never stopped him before that, I dressed like a slut. He just didn't listen to me saying no."

"No, don't say that it's your fault. If I was with a girl and she said no to sex, it would stop right then. Sure I might be pissed, but she's a girl, she shouldn't get hurt over it. He's the guy with issues, and trust me, he'll get something for how much of an asshole he is."

"You can't say anything. I don't want it all over town, I don't want any pity of anything."

"I won't say it's because of that, I'll just hit him a few times in a few select areas and leave. I won't say your name."

"If anyone asks, it's not because of that, just say he was annoying you or something. Please. And don't get in trouble over it."

"Everything will be ok for you and me, Matt... I can tell you now he's gonna need some help."

"Thanks. I never knew you cared about me Hyde."

"You know, you could call me Steven if you wanted."

"Ok. Steven."


	11. Faint

Jackie woke up on a couch, confused about where she was. "W-what happened? Steven, what happened?"

"You fainted."

"What? Where? Oh my god, in school? This is so horrible, now everyone's gonna be talking about it, oh god, what am I gonna do? Why did I faint?"

"He um, he passed you in the hall. I saw him talking to you, and I hit him. Then you fainted."

"Steven, you didn't get in trouble did you?"

"I got a three days in-school, it's not a big deal."

"Oh my god, Steven, I feel horrible. I'll go talk to the principal, I'll tell him that you did it for me, it was my fault. You can't get suspended for this."

"Jackie, calm down. It's fine. I need the break anyway."

"Well, what did Matt say?"

"When I got there he said that he had a good time, and then I told him to stay the hell away from you, and he said make me, so I hit him. I know that you didn't want anyone to think it was because of you, I'm sorry."

"Steven, I-I-I seriously have to get out here, I can't breathe. I need to go." Jackie got up and left the nurses office, and ran down the hallway. She kept running until she got to her house, which was about 12 blocks away. She collapsed as soon as she got into the house, she couldn't believe what happened. How could Steven get in a fight over her? How could she faint? How could Matt say he had a good time? What would she tell everyone?

She ran upstairs and went into the bathroom and rolled up her sleeves. She pulled out her only possession that she couldn't like without: her razor blade. She dragged it across her skin, over and over until she couldn't focus on her emotions. Jackie looked at her arms. She was scarred for life, her body was marred, and she was the reason why. She did this to herself, she was the reason she couldn't wear short sleeves, the reason why Steven pitied her. "Why am I so fucked up? Why am I so damaged?" she repeated it to herself until she had the strength to stand up and clean herself off.

Jackie ran downstairs and grabbed her jacket to look for the flyer she got. It was for a party. She hadn't been to one since before Matt raped her, but now something changed. She didn't care anymore. Maybe she was getting over it, maybe she was over it, or maybe she was just numb. But she looked at the flyer, it was at Hannah's house. _I should've taken that ride she offered that night_, she started thinking. _No, get over it, stop being weak, move on. You can't dwell on this forever. You need to grow up Jackie. Unicorns and fairies and love don't exist, deal with it. Go to this party._

Jackie went, she knew there would be alcohol there, and she needed to drink. She opened the door and was greeted with stares and whispers. She ignored them and went straight to the bar that Hannah's father always kept loaded.

"Jackie, hey, I haven't seen you in a while, is everything ok?" Hannah asked.

_She's a horrible liar_, Jackie thought. "Yea, everything's fine. I guess you heard about my little episode at school."

"Yea, sweetie, is everything alright, nothing's off, right?"

"Yea, everything is totally fine. I've had a horrible cold for awhile now, so annoying. So my mom told me to load up on cold pills, and I guess I took too many cause they made me faint. It's so embarrassing."

"Thank goodness, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Well, at least you quit the squad so you didn't make your cold worse by doing all those exercises."

"Yea, good thing. Do you have any vodka? I really need to drink this day away."

"Who doesn't? What flavor?"

"I don't care, as long as it's strong as hell."

"Here, this should be good."

"Thank you, I owe you my life."

"Eric, why are we here again? Why are we wasting a Friday night here?" Donna asked as Eric parked the car in front of an unfamiliar house.

"Free beer, free weed, that's some pretty good reasoning." Eric responded.

"Too bad we have to spend the night with these assholes." Hyde said.

"Well you won't be seeing them for five days, so stop complaining and get out of the car." Eric said.

"Whatever man." Hyde said as he walked through the door. He could tell all the jocks and cheerleaders and preppies were looking at him, since he hit Matt.

"Hyde, everyone's staring." Donna whispered. "It's like the Twilight Zone, and you're Mr. Popular. Everyone knows you now."

"I need a drink." Hyde left the other two and went to find a keg. Instead he was greeted with an entire bar, fully stocked. He made his way toward it, and grabbed a bottle containing something he didn't know, but he knew it was liquor and that was all that mattered to him. He couldn't believe he just let Jackie run off, and never tried to stop her.

"And then, I quit that stupid squad, and Michael hates me for it! It's that hilarious?" Jackie squeaked out in between drinks from a nearly empty bottle. "Michael cheats on me like 7 trillion times, and he gets mad that I quit!" she said, dragging out the q in quit.

"That's so brutal of him, I can't believe he would ever cheat on you." The guy said. It was someone Hyde didn't recognize.

"Well, he did. A lot. A lot a lot a lot a lot. He never loved me. And I slept with him so much, even when I didn't want to. And I bought him so much stuff, and, oh, and he set my house on fire. Can you believe that? Then he poured liquor on it! Vodka! Where's the vodka!" Jackie said laughing. "This cannot be the last bottle, I think I'll die without more v-o-k-d-a!"

"Vokda?" the guy asked, laughing at her mistake. "Here, it's whiskey. It's stronger."

"Aw, Jason, you're so sweet. It's like, full." She couldn't stop laughing.

"Whatcha looking at? Jackie? And Jason Erving?" Donna asked Hyde.

"No. Just wondering where he got that whisky from. Why would I care what the She-Devil does?" Hyde asked her, trying his best to sound annoyed.

"Whatever. You know you like her, stop trying to deny it."

"I don't like her. I hate her. I think she should drink bleach with her next shot." Hyde said, wondering how he could even think that about Jackie, considering what she had just been through. He looked over at her seat, to make sure that guy wasn't hitting on her, but saw nothing. He looked at the stairs, and a very drunk Jackie was stumbling up them with Jason. Hyde tried his best not to push all these mindless assholes out of the way and knock Jason out. But he couldn't, he hated Jackie and Jackie hated her.

_Yes, I am finally getting over Matt._ Jackie thought as she went upstairs with Jason. She tried to convince herself she was ready, and knew that she would have to be.


	12. Ditch

I wimped out. As soon as we got upstairs and he kissed me, I started thinking about Matt. And when I thought of Matt my thoughts went from him attacking me to the fight and then back to reason the fight happened. I told him that my housekeeper went in my room at midnight and if I wasn't there, she told me she would call the cops. And I didn't even wait for the response, I just ran out of the room and got as far away from the house as I could.

When I got home, I collapsed on the bed, hoping I wouldn't have a hangover even though I knew I would. I don't even know how much I drank, and I can't really hold my liquor. I heard the phone start to ring, but I really wasn't in any condition to answer it, so I just let it ring. That's the last thing I remember from the weekend.

As I walked into English class, I knew that Hannah would ask me what happened. I dreaded this since I woke up this morning.

"Hannah, hey." I said, I knew that she would get pissed if I didn't say hello, and I really did not need to hear her whine this morning.

"Jackie, you are aware that you're telling me everything that happened upstairs with Jason. I mean, leave out the details, but let's go, start talking!" she said, practically shouting it.

"Nothing happened. We kissed for a bit and then I had to leave. So not story worthy." It was actually the truth, I just left out the mini-freak out I had.

"Jackie Burkhart! You haven't done anything with any guy since your date with Matt, two months ago. Jackie, your status is quickly going down. Marissa didn't even want me to bother inviting you because she didn't think you would show up."

"Screw her then. I really don't care anymore."

"That's becoming increasingly obvious. Jackie, you're wearing jeans. Mondays are not jean days, they're track pants or skirt days. Are you ok?"

"I just stopped following some stupid rule that we made up in fifth grade."

"Jackie, what the hell-"

Miss Zone, the teacher, walked into the classroom. "Ok class, today we are going to start a paper on The Lord of the Flies. You will each get an assigned partner and the two of you will start making your rough drafts today. The final paper will be due next Wednesday. Ok, our first pair is Tony and Alicia. Hannah, you'll be working with Audrey, Jackie, you'll be with Katie…"

Miss Zone kept talking, but I had to figure out who this person was. I was glad I didn't have to work with Hannah, she's so annoying lately.

"Jackie, I have the coolest partner ever. This is gonna be awesome. I love Audrey." Hannah said.

"Who's Katie?" I asked, I seriously couldn't find out who this girl is.

"Look for the blue hair. Then you've found her. Audrey, honey, come sit over here!"

Blue? Was she being serious? And as I looked around the room, I found out she was. I walked over to the corner and sat in the desk across from her. "Hi, I think we're partners for the project." I said. But she didn't respond. "Hello?" I waved my hand over the paper she was writing on, and she looked up.

"What?" she asked, taking the headphones she was listening to and putting them around her neck. She seemed really annoyed.

"Um, I guess you were listening to music. We have to write papers about the book and we were assigned as partners."

"Great."

Jackie looked at her, she knew that she knew her from somewhere.

"Yea, my hair is blue. Get over it." She said, noticing that I was staring at her.

"No, no. Um, I think I've met you before. Did- did you go out with Steven?"

"Hyde? Yea, for like 2 seconds. It was over in a week."

"Steven's not really the relationship type. I'm actually surprised it lasted a week."

"Well then, I'm not alone. You friends with him?"

"Yea, my ex is one of Steven's best friends, so when I was with Michael I saw him all the time. He's so sarcastic and mean, like whenever Michael mentioned us fooling around-"

"Can you please not say Michael and fooling around in the same sentence? Thanks."

"Why? Oh my god did you date Michael Kelso?"

"Michael? Kelso? No, never. He's way too pretty boy for me. My brother's name is Michael though, so it's just kinda gross."

"Oh, ok. Well, I guess I could call him Kelso, like everyone else. So how'd you meet Steven?"

"We had PE together, so we basically sat against the wall together. I think he noticed that I'm a leftie and um, he started talking about conspiracies and being left handed and I really think he was high."

"That sounds like Steven. He's definitely one of a kind."

"So how long have you liked him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Honey, your thing for Hyde is more obvious than Hannah's thing for Audrey."

The pencil I had been tapping against the desk flew onto the ground. "Hannah? She's straight, what are you talking about?"

"You see how she's sitting with both legs on the ground?" I nodded. "Well you know Tony, he sits in front of me, and he always says that he can see up that skirt whenever she has both legs on the ground. She's facing Audrey, fixing her hair, looking at her nails constantly flirting with her. I mean seriously, she sits across from Hannah and she's always looking at her, up her skirt. It's sad how obvious it is."

She was right. Everything made sense now, that's why Hannah was always talking about her, why she was so excited that they got partnered. "You are a genius. Even I couldn't figure that one out."

"I've got great gaydar. They'd make a cute couple."

"You just said cute. And you're right, they would."

"Just like I'm right about you and Hyde."

"Whatever. You're just crazy."

"Ok then. Oh, look at that, she's going in for the hand. They should go out, we should have one good couple to talk about. I could hang with them if they were dating."

"Maybe we should start on this project."

"Maybe you should live a little and do something fun."

"I do plenty of fun things. I just went to a party."

"Yea I heard about that. You left after like an hour though."

"Yea, well, something came up."

"Was it Jason Jr?"

"Oh my god!" I started cracking up. Donna never talked like that, she was always logical and mature about everything, almost to the point that we couldn't have a normal teenage girl conversation.

"I get it. Why you would want to leave." Katie said that like she actually could understand, like she was raped too.

"What are you talking about?"

"You wear that look on your face, like you wanna forget and go back to life before it, before the rape." She whispered the word 'rape' like she was ashamed of it, and that's how I knew she really could understand.

"Who- how old were you?"

"My mom's boyfriend, Rick. I was thirteen. You?"

"Matt Helton. A few months ago, on a date." I could feel the tears coming, but I knew that I couldn't cry in class. Katie said it so calmly, like it was nothing, and I couldn't say it without crying.

"Hey, it gets easier. Mine was 2 years ago, yours was a few months ago. I promise you'll feel better, be able to sleep with guys."

"You slept with a guy and you were ok? After how long?"

"I don't know. It's how I dealt with it, I slept with guys to make it easier."

"I tried that but I kept thinking about Matt."

"Well just give it time. If you um, you need to talk or whatever, you can talk to me. I mean, Hyde wouldn't exactly understand."

"Yea, I mean he's so sweet for trying to, but it just isn't the same as talking to another person like me. Here, write down your number."

"You know, my place isn't all that great so I'm usually not there. I usually stay at this guy Jay's house, here's his number."

"Is Rick living there?"

"You're a quick one."

"Why, didn't you tell your mom?"

"Did you?"

"No. I haven't seen my mom in a while."

"You lucky bitch."

That's basically how the rest of the class went, we talked about getting over it. I couldn't believe I had opened up to a blue haired punk who I knew for 20 minutes. Then the bell rang.

"So, you wanna start recovery?" Katie asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"Step one: have some fun. I have physics next and I'm failing. I say we walk out the door and go do anything but sit here all day."

"I don't know."

"You've never ditched before have you? What's the most thrilling thing you've ever done? Watched American Bandstand at 9?"

"Let's go."

We just walked out, no one stopped us, no one noticed. And that's the story of my first ditched class.


	13. Coping Methods

"Where were you after second period?" Donna asked as I walked into the basement. Katie and I hung out at my house all day, and she did my make up for me. She almost even talked me into dying my hair, but I got too afraid at the last minute.

"I ditched. With my new friend Katie, you remember her, right? She went out with Steven for about 5 ½ seconds," I told her.

"Jackie, you ditched the entire day? What were you thinking?" Donna asked, she sounded a bit upset.

"I wanted to have some fun, and Katie's so funny, that girl is the most entertaining person I have ever met."

"Even funnier than me?" Kelso asked.

"Yea, cause she speak in full sentences and pick up on things that you wouldn't notice id there was a neon sign above it," I told him.

"Oh yea, like what?" Kelso asked.

"Hannah Keller has a huge crush on Audrey Detham."

"What?" Hyde said, spitting out his popsicle bite.

"It's true, she lets her peak up her skirt during class." I was proud that I could actually tell them some gossip that they actually cared about.

"No way, Hannah and me hooked up last summer when you were in Hawaii," Kelso said.

"Kelso! How many girls did you cheat on her with?" Donna asked.

"Actually Donna, I don't care. Kelso can sleep with every tramp in Point Place, or even the entire state and I wouldn't care. I'm so over him," I said, and made sure to accentuate the 'over' part.

"You're just saying that, you know you still love me," Kelso said.

"Then why did she call you Kelso?" Hyde said more than asked.

"Exactly. You're just a friend. Well, I better go, I have to meet Katie for a movie at 6."

"You just spent the whole day with her," Donna said.

"I know, and I know that someone is a bit jealous. I'll call you later," I said and left the basement.

(The next day at school)

"So, how's Audrey?" Kelso asked Hannah.

"Um, she's ok Kelso, why? You like her or something?" Hannah asked.

"No, but you do," Kelso said.

"Pardon me? Where exactly did you hear that?" Hannah asked, stepping closer to Kelso.

"No one, I just was making a stupid guy thing," Kelso said.

"Kelso, please? I really wanna know," she said, running her hand across his stomach.

"Jackie, Jackie said it yesterday," Kelso said.

"Thanks," Hannah said as she walked away from him.

"Jackie, can I have a word with you, it's mildly important," Hannah said as she walked up to my locker.

"Um, yea, ok, what happened?" I asked, slightly confused.

"I had an interesting conversation with Kelso. Now, usually, I just ignore things that he says cause, well, it is Kelso. But he said that you've been spreading some vicious rumor that I have a crush on Audrey. So I was wondering, what the fuck Jackie?"

"You called her honey," I said, searching for the courage I once had.

"So? I call people sweetie too, that doesn't mean I like them," Hannah said.

"Well you know what? No one would know the difference, cause you're a whore anyway, you'll sleep with anything that'll fuck you cause no one will stay with you, you're pathetic," I said. All my annoyance toward her just exploded.

By now everyone in the hall was watching and listening.

"Oh yea, well at least I didn't lose my virginity at 15, Jackie. At least I didn't have a pregnancy scare sophomore year. Have fun with that one, but I wouldn't show my face around here if I was you, cause things won't be too pretty for you."

"Bitch, you better leave me alone."

I stormed away, and ran into the bathroom.

"Well that was quite a show, well done," Katie said.

"I just hate it here, I never want to come back," I said.

"Then don't. You're a junior, 17, you can drop out. Leave all this shit behind. I'm doing it, once I'm 17 that is."

"When are you 17?"

"June. I'm leaving for senior year. You seem more stressed though, so maybe you need a break."

"Yea. Look, I need to go clear my head. I'll see you later, unless you wanna come," I said. I hope she wants to come.

"We could go smoke a dime," Katie said.

"A dime? What?" I asked.

"Dime, measurement of weed, I got one in my locker, we can go smoke," Katie said.

"I don't know, I only did it once, and it was kinda weird."

"It's freeing, amazing. If you don't wanna though, I understand."

"I guess we could, go to my place, smoke a, dime, and whatever." I had to seem cool. And if this was what got her over getting raped, then this was going to be my coping method too.


	14. Fall

I woke up with a headache the next day. I guess we drank too. My alarm went off at 5:30, as usual. I couldn't decide what to do, get up and face whatever Hannah said about me to the entire school, or give up everything I've worked for and never go back to Point Place High again. I was actually considering dropping out. Maybe I do just need a break, I have been under a lot of stress lately, even if I don't include the rape. I want to be just like Katie, she's so free and happy. I wanted that, not the emptiness that I've felt for the past five months.

After sitting in my bed for a half hour, I decided that I should go to school and face anything that waited there. Hannah couldn't have said anything that bad anyway. When I walked into English class she just glared at me. Audrey was no where to be seen. I walked over to Katie's seat in the corner and sat next to her. "So, have you seen Audrey?"

"She's gay. Completely gay, not that that's bad thing or anything. When she heard about the rumor about Hannah liking her, she completely groped her, she practically mauled Hannah. And of course, she freaked and Audrey was humiliated. She ran into the bathroom and no one's seen her since."

"This is all my fault. I had to go and brag about gossip, and then Kelso had to tell everyone. God, could things get any worse?"

"Never say that, you just fucked everything up. I do have some good news though. This kid Frankie, he's totally awesome. He invited me over to his party tonight, and since we're as tight as weed and a bowl, I can bring whoever. You wanna come, his parties are always awesome."

"I promised Donna that we would hang out tonight, sorry. Unless the guys could come too."

"Look, Donna and Hyde are straight, Kelso's cool. But Fez and Eric, they're fine and everything, but they might not fit in with the crowd, you know?"

"They're losers," I said, I knew it already. They were losers, but they were cool.

"I can ask Frankie about them, chances are they're cool. So if they can get in, you wanna come? There's gonna a bunch of shit there, alcohol and weed and paradise."

Katie talked to Frankie and we all got into the party. We split up into groups, Eric, Donna and Fez in the Vista Cruiser, and me, Katie, Steven and Kelso in the El Camino. After a bit we were at that Frankie kid's house, and Katie showed us where the alcohol and weed was. She went off with some guy, and I stuck with Steven. He got some weed and we went into a room to go smoke it, so we wouldn't have to share.

"Since when do you smoke?" Steven asked me.

"Since I ditched with Katie," I told him.

"You ok?" Steven asked me, and I wanted to slap him for it.

"What, do you want a wrist check or something?"

"Chill Jackie. Next time I won't even ask. Here," he said, passing the joint to me. After a while we were both high and cracking up at random things, like bugs on the wall that weren't actually there, and laughing at Steven dying his hair blond, just as soon as I dyed my hair green. Suddenly the door swung open.

"Jackie! Hey, what are you doing here?" Katie asked, with some random guy's hand up her shirt.

"You invited me, remember?"

"Oh yea, no. My mind is completely blank, I guess coke and pot and Jack Daniel's ruins my mind," she said, laughing hysterically. "Come on Mark, let's go find a room, unless they want a show! Come on, upstairs, hurry!" she said as she closed the door.

"Well, that is the most fucked up I have ever seen any girl in my life," Hyde said.

"Yea, she's pretty drunk," I said. "Your eyes are really blue, like, an ocean, just bluer."

"Really? No one's ever said that before. Probably because I prefer compliments that aren't girlie ones."

"You try to sound so tough, but you're only Steven. Not some guy who has no emotions, just Steven," I said. I'm not sure if either of us understood what I was trying to say.

"You know, I actually don't hate you with a passion. I just mildly hate you now."

"That's so sweet Steven," I said, and I hugged him.

"Jackie!" Donna said as she opened the door slightly. "Jackie?"

"What?"

"Look, this party is kinda out of control, so we were thinking that we better go."

"What about Katie?"

"Some Jay guy said he would take care of her, that she's staying at his place."

"Oh, ok then. I guess we're going. Come on Steven." We both got up, and we had an amazing conversation in the car as Kelso stared out the window. That's when I realized it. As broken and traumatized as I still am, I started to fall for Steven Hyde.


	15. She Knows

It was the Monday after Frankie's party. Katie and Hyde were in their PE class, sitting against the wall because neither of them changed.

"So, I guess you had a fun night," Hyde said.

"Well what else are for? How about you and Jackie, you guys were like, denying that you care about each other while you were staring at her like you wanted to fuck her brains out. Good job at hiding it," Katie told him.

"I can barely stand her, I don't love her. Besides, she's gone through a lot lately."

"Yea. What was it, 7 months ago?"

"I guess. She told you? When?"

"English class. She didn't really tell me, I more, figured it out. The look on her face gave it away."

"Oh. Is she doing ok?"

"Um, well, it takes a bit longer than half a year to get over."

"That's not what I meant. Well, yea that part helps but, did she tell you anything else?"

"You're gonna have to say what you're thinking, I'm not gonna tell you something she doesn't want you to know."

"She cut. She's not doing it anymore, is she?"

"If she is, I don't know about it. What'd she use?"

"Knife." Saying that made it more real to Hyde. Seeing it and telling someone about it made everything seem much more serious to him.

"Kate, walk around the track, now! Just because you can't change doesn't mean you can't walk! Go!" the PE teacher yelled.

Katie got up, then turned around before she started around the track. "Do something. Don't let her wind up like me," and then she left Hyde to wonder what that meant.

(After school, in Donna's room)

"So, you and Hyde looked pretty friendly at that guy's house," Donna said, sitting on her bed.

"Donna, nothing is going on. Did you have fun?" Jackie asked, trying to change the subject.

"Yea, I guess. Jackie, what's going on? Hyde said that you started smoking, you're ditching, you're listening to rock, you haven't wore pink in months and all the unicorns and rainbows and everything like that are out of your room. You're hanging out with druggies, like hardcore drug addicts, not like the gang."

"So I've matured and listen to better music, big deal. I got new friends, oh no. Why d you keep trying to make my life seem like something horrible happened?"

"Jackie, I'm worried, I have been. Just talk to me, we're supposed to be best friends!"

Jackie got off the bed, and her bracelets fell down. Her arms had started to get a large collection of rubber bracelets on them, a fashion statement that she got from Katie. They actually really helped her, they covered up her scars and any new cuts she had. And now that was over.

"Leave me alone," Jackie said as she turned for the door.

"Oh my god, Jackie," Donna said as she grabbed her friend's arm. "What the hell happened?" Donna started to move the bracelets to see Jackie's whole arm, and Jackie snapped it back.

"Don't. My nails scratched my arm, nothing big. I have to go."

"Jackie!" It was too late, Jackie had already ran down the stairs. Donna ran over to the basement, she knew that Hyde had to know something. After he talked to Jackie a few moths ago, he seemed less mean to her, like he actually cared about her. "Hyde, we need to talk. Now. Let's go to your room."

"What's going on?" Hyde asked her.

"Jackie cut herself," Donna said, sitting down on Hyde's cot.

"Really? How do you know?"

"I saw, on her arm. The bracelets cover them up. Hyde, please, you need to tell me whatever she said when you talked to her. She's starting to scare me."

"Donna, she's gonna hate me for this. She, she was raped a while ago. I promised her I wouldn't say anything. But if she's doing it again, I need to tell to you."

"Who?"

"Matt Helton."

"We have to find her, she's probably at her house. Let's go."

"Don't tell Forman. She didn't want anyone else to know."

"Fine, I have to talk to her though."

They drove to Jackie's house, and waited for her to answer the door. A few minutes later Jackie answered the door, and looked at Donna, then at Hyde. He could see in her eyes that she felt betrayed. "What? Are you gonna stand there all day?"

They all went inside and sat in the same room where Jackie and Hyde had a similar conversation just months before.

"Jackie, you're starting to scare me. Hyde told me everything, Jackie way didn't you come to me?" Donna said.

"You told her!" Jackie shouted. It was more of an accusation than a question.

"Jackie I'm sorry, but I don't want anything to happen to you," Hyde said.

"Go to hell. Both of you. I don't need anyone's help, I'm fine. Now, I have a date to go to. Please don't tell anyone that you think I'm insane." Jackie said as she walked for the door, slamming it behind her. She didn't even care about leaving them inside her house. She walked to Katie's house, which was about a mile away.

"What are you doing here, weren't you going out with Andy tonight?"

"Yea. That's at 8."

"Two hours. Come on in. There's not much to the place, but whatever. So, I think that maybe I know someone better than Andy to help you get over the rape." Katie led Jackie into her bedroom, which reeked of weed.

"And who would this be?" Jackie asked, picking up Katie's tape recorder.

Katie grabbed it from her hand and put it in a drawer. "Hyde."

"Steven? Yea, ok."

"Seriously, you like him. Anyone with eyes can tell that. He likes you, he just won't admit it. He was asking about you in PE. I didn't say anything about Andy though."

"Ok, I do like him. I just don't think that I can be with him. He deserves someone who isn't damaged. Someone who can sleep with him, someone without scars. Look at them," Jackie said as she moved some of her bracelets. There was one bad scar, the rest weren't visible unless they were pointed out.

"That's nothing. Look at mine," Katie said, moving the bracelets away from her right arm. There was at least a hundred marks on her arm, both sides. "It could be much worse. And he still wants you, no matter what you think."

"He's amazing. He's mean, and an asshole sometimes. But that's part of, I don't know, his charm. I want to be with him, but I can't. Not until I can get over this."

"Whenever you're ready. So, I was thinking. Blue hair, it's been like three months since a new color. Purple or pink?"

"You want pink hair?"

"Yea, it's cutting edge in my world. Or should I stick with the blue?"

"Go with purple. What did you use? On your arm I mean."

"I started with pins and went to razors and knives. Hold on," she said as she went threw a bin she had. She took out lighters, bowls, pipes, magazines and other little things, and finally go to what she was looking for: a small brown box. "Here," she said, handing it to Jackie.

There was a knife, a few individual razors and one leg shaver in there. There was also a rag, which must've been new because there was no blood on it. "It's so organized. I just have the stuff in my bathroom."

"Yea, well it's private. I don't want Jay to see it."

"Is this your room, like you share it with him?"

"Yea, it's cool. He never goes through my drawers or bins or anything. He knows anyway. He saw them after we fucked."

"Are you ever gonna quit?"

Katie turned around and looked at her. "We'll quit when we don't need to anymore. Once you have Hyde and I have anyone."


	16. Leaning

Jackie sat on a bench in the park. She had a good date with Andy, but there was nothing there. Katie's words stayed in her head all night. 'He likes you, he just won't admit it.'

"Hey Jackie," someone said from behind her, making her jump on the bench.

"Eric, you scared me. Who would've thought a guy that weighs as much as a twig would scare me?" Jackie said.

"There's a lot of that going on lately. Donna's pretty scared too."

"She's delusional. She's been to too many circles, you should cut her off."

"Jackie, come on. Look, I know we're about as close as Luke Skywalker and Darth Vadar, so if you don't wanna talk to me I get it. But talk to someone."

"I do talk to someone-" Jackie started.

"Other than Katie. She's a bit… outspoken, kinda crazy, a tad bit scary."

"She understands everything. I am going to talk to her, she's my best friend."

"I thought Donna was your best friend."

"Donna is a backstabbing liar. So no, she's not my best friend." Jackie got off the bench and started to walk to Katie's house. When she got there, Katie was walking out the door.

"Jack, hey. How's Andy?" Katie asked, stopping when she was near Jackie.

"He's good. Where were you going?"

"I was heading over to Frankie's, wanna come?"

"Yea." They started to walk over there. "Donna, she found out. She saw my cuts, and she told Eric. Now everyone knows."

"Why do people think that they can just go and tell whoever? Have they like, never heard of privacy before? I mean, if you wanted it broadcasted to everyone, you would tell them yourself."

"How did… how did Jay react?"

"Well, his mom is a heroin addict, so he was pretty much used to the idea of someone using something sharp and metal to help them cope."

"Oh. He didn't care at all? He was just like, whatever?"

"He cared, he gave me a bunch of stuff to clean them with, things like that. He just knows that quitting needs to be my idea, not his."

"Maybe I should just quit. It'd be easier."

"If you're not ready, you'll relapse. If you want to though, go for it." They walked the rest of the way to Frankie's in silence. There was nothing that could make Jackie feel better.

They got to the house and walked into the living room, and Katie took her regular seat, kicking some guy out of it. Frankie told her that since she used to live there, she had privileges in the house.

"Kate, I got some blow. You want some?" Frankie asked.

"Hell yea. Jackie, you in?"

"Won't it screw up my nose?" Jackie asked. She may have some issues, but she was still worried about her vanity.

"If you do ten lines a day. Once won't kill anything. You don't have to though. It's kinda strong, a huge trip."

"I think I'm gonna sit this one out."

"That's cool. We'll be upstairs."

"If you want anything to drink, there's some vodka in the kitchen. Take whatever," Frankie said as he and Katie went upstairs.

Jackie sat in her seat, alone in a strangers living room, thinking about what her life had turned into. She sat there for ten minutes before someone sat next to her and she turned to see who it was, hoping it would be Katie. "Mich- Kelso, what are you doing here?"

"Hyde sent me down here. What are you doing here?"

"Katie was coming here and I was bored, so I came with."

"Oh. So, how are you doing?" For the first time in a while, Michael Kelso was sounding serious.

"God, did Donna fucking tell everyone?" Jackie shouted as she got off the couch.

"No. Eric told me, he said he saw you at the park and you were freaking out."

"Because no one will just leave me alone. As soon as I start to grow up, there has to be some problem and there has to be a label on it. Why can't you guys just accept that I'm fine?"

"Hyde's scared. It's kinda funny seeing him freaked, but it's more creepy. He's really quiet now, he hasn't even punched me in like, 5 months. When Eric started talking about you he left the room."

"Really? He's that upset?"

"Jackie, we're all freaked. Except for Fez, I don't think he knows anything."

"Michael, there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine. Katie's helping me."

"Fine. Just go talk to Hyde. He's really… un-Hyde like."

"Ok. I just, I need to tell Katie that I'm leaving, cause I can't just leave, she'll get pissed."

"I'll tell her when I see her." Jackie nodded her head and then left.

(the Forman's house)

"Steven, can I talk to you?" Jackie asked as she walked through the basement door.

"Jackie, hi," Donna said.

Jackie just glared at her. "In private, please.'

Hyde got up and walked to his room, closing the door after Jackie followed him in. "I'm sorry. I've been a complete bitch to you forever. I just don't want you guys talking about me."

"Jackie, I didn't want to tell Donna, I was just worried about you. I'm not used to that, I wanted that nagging feeling to go away. And if you died it would just get bigger, so I was really just trying to help myself."

"I'm helping myself too. Katie's been helping me through everything. She went through it before."

"Do you really think she's the best role model?"

"Steven, please, don't judge her, you don't know her."

"I did date her though. She can barely take care of herself. She was going from one drug binge to another. I guess she was trying to numb herself or something. She can't help you unless she's stable and she is very far from stable."

"She is helping me though."

"What, by giving you a new style? Giving you a place to crash or get weed?"

"She taught me how to clean my cuts. She told me that everything I'm feeling is how she felt too," Jackie said, almost in a whisper.

"Oh."

"She had her problems, and she got them. I can't get over this, Steven, what's wrong with me?" Jackie said as she started to cry.

Hyde didn't know what to tell her. He walked over to his bed and Jackie leaned on him, she needed him. And he would help her through everything that was going to come.


	17. She's Gone

I walked into my English class and took my regular seat next to Katie, in the back of the room. She wasn't in her seat, but she's always late. No big deal. I got nasty looks from Hannah, one again. Not all that shocking, considering I outed her crush on Audrey to the entire school. The bell rang and Katie still wasn't here, but she's probably just finishing up her cigarette or something.

I went the entire day and I didn't see Katie at all. If she ditched, she would've invited me too. She probably just fell asleep at Frankie's house. Or she's with Jay, something like that.

"Jackie, hey. How's… everything?" Hyde asked me as I was walking out of the school.

"Have you seen Katie? She wasn't in English, she wasn't in lunch, she wasn't here," I said, getting more panicked as I said it out loud. What if something happened at Frankie's house?

"She wasn't in PE, you wanna go over to her house?"

"Yea, I think I'm going to. Will you come with?"

"Come on. Where does she live?" Hyde said as he started walking to his El Camino.

"Stone. 500 block."

We didn't talk much in the car, but I held his hand for comfort. For some reason I'm just really freaked out about all of this. She wouldn't ditch alone, I know that. Jay has to know where she is. He has to.

When we got to the house I ran up to the door and started knocking. No one answered.

"You looking for Jay?" some guy asked. I guess he lives next door.

"Yea, Jay or Katie. Do you know where they are?" I asked him.

"Jay moved a while ago. Went to Chicago. She was supposed to go with, but she didn't have enough money. She said she was staying here for a while though. I haven't see her since yesterday."

"How do you know?" Hyde asked, wondering what some neighbor was doing knowing all of that.

"Me and Katie are really good friends, same with me and Jay. They told me all that," the guy said. "Check by Frankie's if you wanna find Kate."

"OK, thanks," I said as I walked off the stoop and grabbed Steven's hand.

We drove there, Hyde actually knew the way there since he always drives there. I went to knock on the door when we got there, but he just walked in. I followed him. I walked into the living room where Katie and I would always go, and I expected to see her in her chair, and she would say 'are you and Hyde finally going out?' and blow my secret, but I wouldn't care. But she wasn't there. The room was empty.

"Who are you two?" some guy I had never met asked.

I turned around, and said, "I'm Jackie Burkhart. Is Katie here?"

"What?" the guy asked.

"Is Katie here? She wasn't in school, and I was kinda worried."

"She OD'd last night. Frankie's arrested, Jay's in Chicago. It's all just fucked up."

"What hospital is she in? She's ok right?"

"She didn't make it."

I felt faint. I could've fallen right there if I wasn't holding onto Steven's arm. "On what?" I heard Steven ask. Did it really matter?

"Heroin."

"She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't, you're lying. I know her, she wouldn't do that!"

"Jackie, come on. We should go, you should rest," Hyde said.

I nodded and we left. I didn't cry, I was too numb to cry. We went to Eric's house and I took a nap on his cot, I guess I was pretty tired cause I slept for five hours. I walked out and thanked Steven, then I left.

I walked to Katie's house and looked around for a key. "Here," the neighbor said, handing me a set of keys.

"Thank you. I guess you heard," I said, my voice was shaking.

"Yea, Jay's coming back. I feel pretty bad for him, I think he really liked her," he said.

"Yea. I have to go get something, so I'll see you later. I'll give you the keys back when I leave," I said.

"Take your time," he said, walking down the steps and into his house.

I walked into the little bedroom and saw everything how it was when I spent the night here. I went through everyone of her bins, drawers, everything. And I finally found what I was looking for: the tape recorder. I opened the slot and there was a tape in it. I sat down on the bed and pressed play.

_So I met this girl Jackie today, and she's alright. She was raped a couple months ago, and she like, looks to me to tell her that everything'll be ok. I guess I couldn't tell her how my life actually is, cause she would probably slit her wrists now and get it over with. Maybe I should've gone to therapy. Whatever, fuck that. I just get fucked over every chance anyone gets. Whatever though. It's just so tiring, like, my head hurts all the time and I feel like I'm not living my life. Like all I do is smoke and then I smoke some more because the high wore off. I keep using all this shit to make the problem go away, but it just keeps coming back and it keeps getting worse. And I can't deal with it so I cut and then I smoke and then I cut and then I smoke and it keeps going in the cycle and it doesn't get better. I'm so fucking dead inside, it's insane. Like, I can't feel anything at all. I don't know why I even bother to cut, it's not even helping me anymore. I'm just so fucking sick of all of this, I should just kill myself now, not like anyone would notice._

Then her voice stopped. Well, there was more on the tape but I thought I was gonna pass out from listening to that part. She wasn't happy. Steven was right, she was drowning her problems with drugs and it eventually killed her. And now there's no hope for me. Unless I went to therapy, maybe that would've saved Katie.

I put the tape recorder in my pocket and dropped the keys back off at that guy's house. I walked down the stairs to the apartment and I went into Steven's little room. "Steven, I need to go to therapy. I need help. I need to save myself so I don't turn into Katie," I said as I hugged him.

"We can find you one tomorrow. Maybe Donna could help," he said, moving over on the bed so I could lay down.

"Yea, maybe she can," I said before I went to sleep. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't have any nightmares, and I felt completely safe. It's weird how I just lost someone who was always saving me, but how I also gained the confidence and security to let myself fall for Steven, really fall.


	18. Work In Progress

A'N: This is the last chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks to everyone for reviewing. I enjoyed writing it, it was very therapeutic for me.

It's been seven months since Katie's funeral. We went, it was hard, but we went. It's weird how sometimes, things happen and you want to die, but it makes you strong in the end. When I got raped, I wanted to die. And I eventually saw two different ways of dealing. Well, I lived one of them, and saw the other. Mine wasn't perfect, I have the scars to prove that, the scars everyone can see. And I saw Katie's. She came off as so carefree, so liberated. But she wasn't. She was doing worse than I was. She was going down, but no one saw. I couldn't have, I barely knew her. I just grabbed onto her as someone who could save me, because she had, in my mind, saved herself. And I just tried to do whatever she did. I tried sleeping with any guy I saw, and I wasn't able to. She was. My therapist, Dr. Silver, said it's because she was looking for recognition, to know that she was still wanted. I still don't understand it, but I didn't live it.

Steven was right, therapy is helping. I go twice a week, two hour sessions. I've been sober for six months, no drugs, no alcohol, no cutting. Dr. Silver checks my wrists every session. I've gotten used to showing someone what I did to myself. At first I started bawling because I thought she was send me away, she would think I was crazy. But she didn't, she helped me.

Steven and I have gotten closer. Donna says he likes me, I say she's insane, it's kind of like a running gag we have. But I can't help wanting him to like me. Not like I normally want guys to want me, I want him to be in love with me, to actually like me. He's actually tried to help me. And I feel good about that. I've never really been shy about asking for help, but since I got raped, 'help' hasn't been in my vocabulary. Sure, in my mind I was thinking about stuff that could help me, but I never vocalized just how desperate I was. I never told Steven that I hit rock bottom that day he found out I was cutting, I never said that I wanted to die that day. But he said that I was scaring him.

But thinking about it, about how good he was to me, when just before everything he hated me, I could picture him having feelings for me. Maybe it's wishful thinking, and I'm just diluting myself into thinking something could happen. I've been doing that since he got arrested so I wouldn't get caught, and it's been worse since the 'Labor Day Miracle.' I've just finally let myself feel it. I've been afraid to fall again, I still am. I guess he tripped me.

He's been good for me. I never thought I would say that. At first, I resented him trying to help. He's had plenty of issues himself, if I needed therapy, wouldn't he? I said that once. Then he said no asshole ever forced himself on him, so I need it more. But I know there was more to it. He just didn't want me to be upset, and he finally got me to look at myself. I was too thin, I looked anorexic. My hair wasn't as pretty as it was before, my arms looked horrible with the bunches of bracelets I was wearing to cover up my habit. Black is not my color. I looked like a stranger. I barely recognized myself. And I was looking at the in the mirror everyday for months. But I never thought of it. I never thought I could get help. I never thought anyone would want me after they learned about what happened. I was convinced that once a guy found out about me, about how sex is difficult for me, he'd leave. He'd be like Bud, or a male version of my mother, and just leave when things got rough. But after my sessions with Dr. Silver, I've finally accepted that guys aren't always going to want me. But there are some guys who are willing to help. She told me that I had to trust guys again. And I'm, getting there.

Steven's been letting me stay in the basement with him at night. He's been getting paranoid, he's acting like the paranoid, over protective boyfriend. And I love it. he keeps saying that 'I'm too small and too girly to stay in a big house alone' and that 'anything could happen.' I'm 'too stubborn' to admit it, he says. And he's right. I know that I could use his help. I don't want to admit it, but I sometimes do. It's been great from the beginning. I left to go get some clothes, my shampoo and conditioner, (Steven uses the two in one shampoo, and that is never going to touch my hair,) everything I needed. And I snuck back in around 12.

"Did you go get your car detailed before you came over here?" Steven asked when I walked into his tiny, cramped room.

"What does that mean?" I asked. He looked at me with that 'you must be joking' expression, but I seriously had no clue what he was talking about. I still don't know what 'car detailing' is.

"Never mind. What took you so long?"

"I had to pick out clothes. With a wardrobe as big as mine, it's difficult to decide what to wear. Not all of us are limited to making a decision based on wanting to wear a black shirt or a grey shirt, then being ready to go." And I had to make sure I found long sleeves to wear to bed. But that was a little detail that I didn't think he wanted to know about.

"Whatever. What do you want to do?"

"I'm kind of tired. I'm just gonna go change and then, can we just go to bed?"

"Sure."

I grabbed my bag and went by the couch to change. I sat down and looked at my let arm. I wasn't perfect anymore. I started to put my clothes into my bag and walked back into Steven's room before I started to cry. Then we went to sleep.

And it's run that smoothly pretty much every night. Sure there are some small arguments over pillow space, which was solved when I brought my own unicorn pillow over, or someone hogging the bed and blanket (which is always Steven, he just won't admit it.)

It's another night where I have to leave at 10 and then find something to do to waste my time until 12. I decided to just walk around the park, then go to my place and pack my clothes for tonight and tomorrow.

It's so peaceful at night, no screaming kids, or guys tackling each other. It's just the flowers, and the jungle gym, everything's nice and quiet.

"Jackie!" Someone shouted behind me. Maybe it's not so quiet. I turned around and saw Hannah. Great.

"Hannah, hi."

"Where've you been? No one's seen you all summer, and it's the day before the last day of summer."

"I've been ok, I guess. What about you?"

"Honestly? Me and Audrey have been talking about some things, and well, thank you. We got together last month, but it's very, very, hush, so please, don't go telling Kelso."

"I won't. Congratulations."

"So have you heard the stunning news?"

"What stunning news?"

"Matt Helton has shipped off to boarding school, during his senior year. I mean come on, sure, it's his second one, but it's still senior year."

"Where?"

"I don't know, probably some place with a bunch of snow."

"Well, at least he's gone."

"Pardon? Why is good that one of the best looking guys is shipped off to the North Pole?"

"I didn't like him. He is such a loser. I better get going, I'll see on the first day back."

"Ok… well, bye, remember, don't tell anyone!" she said.

"I won't," I said, and I meant it. Then I turned away, but not just from Hannah. I turned away from any information on Matt. I don't care. I've closed that chapter of life. It's done, and there's no point in dwelling on it. I learned that in therapy. Now, I'm on the recovery stage. A stage that's long overdue.

I walked back to Steven's house and walked inside, as usual. I found Steven sitting on his bed, and I went over there. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing," he said. He was lying.

"Bull. You're lying."

"So what if I am?"

"Just say it, I know it has to do with me, I can tell. I want to know." Silence. He wasn't talking. "Just tell me."

And he didn't. But he did do something. He kissed me. "Happy?" he asked.

"Yea. I am. I knew you liked me."

"Shut up. Well, now you can change. Preferably in here. And not because I like you, you're just hot and I like seeing hot girls naked."

"Nice try," I said as I grabbed my clothe. In all honesty, if I didn't have scars, I would've changed in there.

"Because of your arm?" I stopped. I didn't expect that.

"What?"

"I saw it already. I don't mind it, I mean, if you're uncomfortable, then whatever, but I don't think you're insane."

"Ok." I had no idea what to say. "When did you see?" I didn't turn to face him, I don't know why.

"You hit me in your sleep. Well not hit hit, but you put your arm on me, so I went to move it and I saw."

"You don't think I'm ugly?"

"I think you're hot. Your attitude and interests aren't as hot, but you are. A guy would be crazy to turn down a night with you."

I knew what he really meant. Well, what I decided he really meant. He loves me. And decided it for me. I changed in his room that night. And it was a huge step for me. I'm a work in progress, but I am getting better. And now I have someone who will help me, because he loves me.


End file.
